Too Possessed To Be Stressed This Thanksgiving
Cooking for Thanksgiving can be a demanding task, but with some planning and organization, you can keep yourself from losing your soul amidst all the chaos. Below you’ll find helpful tips to make your Thanksgiving easier.
Plan Ahead
Curate your menu well before the holiday to avoid any last-minute surprises. Don’t wake up the day before Thanksgiving filled with dread realizing you spent your weeks obsessing over the “Perfectly Folded Turkey-shaped Napkin” Tiktok trend instead of buying a real turkey. Do give yourself credit for unearthing the Guy Fieri chef’s knife at the antique shop yesterday. Recall the greasy old shopkeeper’s cackle, “Beware, it holds a power far more evil than any other blade.” Shrug off his ominous message. Convince yourself you need the “blade” for carving the turkey anyway. Remember you still don’t have a turkey. Pour yourself a glass of cheap chardonnay to calm your nerves.
Prep In Advance
Prepare what you can a day or two before Thanksgiving. After consuming several more glasses of cheap chardonnay, be sure to chop some vegetables, measure ingredients, and par-bake the pie crusts. Try not to nap halfway through. Avoid nightmares of wailing anguished souls doomed to spend eternity in flaming crypts of their own creation. Don’t wake up the following Thanksgiving morning with a throbbing headache. Panic when you see fruit flies swarming the prepped food you left out. Do glance at the clock and cry. Realize your guests will arrive soon and you are out of cheap chardonnay.
Set A Realistic Timeline
Creating a timeline will help you understand when each dish will commence and finish. Unfortunately, your plan did not factor in your hangover, nor the mess in the kitchen. When a knock at the door startles you, try not to slice your finger open while cleaning the Guy Fieri chef’s knife. Ignore the gravelly voice that says, “The blood oath has been sealed.” Realize all your guests have arrived. Don’t say “Fucking hell” outloud when you open the door to see your Evangelical sister-in-law who wasn’t invited. Whisper “Save your souls” as you embrace all your friends.
Delegate Responsibilities
Ease your burden by assigning specific dishes to guests. Thank your family for bringing the turkey you forgot to buy. Thank your friends for bringing more cheap chardonnay. Try not to make a scene when you snatch the bottles from their hands like a rabid demon protecting their precious treasure. Avoid getting upset when you open a bottle immediately and your Evangelical sister-in-law says “reliving our 20s are we?” Don’t laugh demonically in her face. Don’t tell anyone you’re seeing murky shadows in the kitchen.
Enjoy The Process
Avoid stressing over perfection by relishing in the cooking process. Practice mindfulness when your father asks, “Can I help?” but immediately retracts his statement saying, “Oh wait, the game is about to start.” Don’t bite your nails when your Evangelical sister-in-law tells you, “Your maternal instincts will kick in once you have a child, sweetheart.” Swear you heard her say, “All will perish in the eternal hellfire.” Stop pulling your hair out when your friends ask, “I’m starving, when do we eat?”. Disregard the infernal malevolent whispers in your head.
Multi-Task Efficiently
Identify tasks that can be done simultaneously to save time. While opening your third bottle of cheap chardonnay, try not to gaze longingly at the Guy Fieri chef’s knife laying on the counter. Don’t become entranced by its glistening sharp stainless steel blade. Do observe Guy’s face on the blade handle. Notice his mouth is moving. Understand Guy is trying to tell you something. Hold him up to your ear. Assimilate the ancient demonic language spewing from his mouth. Trust in the words spoken to you. Speak the script back in a similar tongue. Commend yourself for learning a language so quickly when you haven’t opened Duolingo in months.
Create A Comfortable Cooking Environment
Wear comfortable clothing and play your favorite music to make the cooking process more enjoyable. Search for a “Eternal Damnation” playlist on Spotify while stripping to your bare flesh. Try several songs but get frustrated when they do not fit the vibe. Settle on “100 Hours of Gregorian Monks Chanting”. Feel pure evil course through your body when it starts. Release a deep bellow that quakes the house. Ignore your guests in the other room when they nervously laugh and say “What the hell was that? What is that music?”
Enlist Help
Never hesitate to ask for assistance with cooking. Watch sheer terror pour across their faces as your guests walk into the kitchen to find your floating naked body surrounded by a wall of flames. Ignore their piercing shrieks as the charred gruesome arms of the damned reach through your hardwoods, clasp their hands around your guests, and drag them screaming through the floor into the underworld. As you regain consciousness, discover yourself naked, drenched in sweat, and that everyone has vanished. Glance at the Guy Fieri chef’s knife and piece together that you were probably possessed by some demon who opened a portal to hell. Feel guilty about your family and friends being used as sacrificial objects, but then feel good about your Evangelical sister-in-law who has based their whole life on avoiding this scenario.
Clean As You Go
Cleaning helps maintain an organized and stress-free kitchen. Start washing the dishes, wiping down the countertops, and scrubbing the scorch marks off the floor. Notice a pentagram is permanently engraved into the hardwoods. Sigh knowing it’s destroyed your home value. Look around and see you’ve done a sloppy job at cleaning. Conclude this is not a good look and you are definitely going to prison. Set your house ablaze, climb into your Toyota minivan, and start driving.
Focus On Gratitude
Remind yourself that Thanksgiving is all about being grateful. Pat yourself on the back for summoning a demon. Feel blessed for the memories you shared with your loved ones while they were still on this plane of existence. Convince yourself you could blame everything on the possession, but years of pent-up anger and weird societal norms probably did this too. Be thankful for making your Thanksgiving easier, as you look at your smoldering house in the rearview mirror.
